When Hell found me

On sunday, things were great between me and mary. we were being sexy towards each other, being cute and such, and just in puppy dog love. then monday rolled around and she said that she had enough: it was time to date colby. coby?!?!?!?! has she learned nothing from marybell's mistakes? he seems shy and coy at first, but then he will just attack you and cross the line and just be rude and aweful as a boyfriend. maybe thats what she wants though. maybe she doesnt want a romantic guy. wait...ding ding ding....yes she DOES. thats why she said we grew apart to begin with, is that we (i) were/was not romantic enough. it made me feel like shit. i really tried to be romantic to her....i really did. i know she liked mixed cds, so i made her one. i tried following romantic comedys and just went to see her despite the fact that i missed a lot of classes to do that, and now im failing a lot of those classes. and i even crossed the one rule i said i wouldnt...i held her hand in front of mark and mr palmer. i literally dont know what else to do. i had a very big suprise/gift for her....but i need more money and that means i have to wait till i get out of school. it was going to blow her away... but now its hopeless. i can see it right now. im suppose to be independent of her, but its so hard. for the very first time, i threw in my whole heart and all of my trust. i thought to myself "she said all she ever wanted was me and a second chance, if she was willing to wait 5 years, and possibly die for me, then why would this ever end?" but that was silly of me to do i guess. i thought she would have seen that as romantic, but i guess the risk was just not worth the reward. im in peices, and i dont know what to do. i have this horrible feeling that she wont come back to me. already, she seems bored with me and the only feelings she has towards me is that i give good advice, and that i can perform well sexually. even then, she is starting to say that colby can just fill my spot. hold on.....what the heck! you want to tell me that you are just going to let him get all up in that? i thought (still think) that your body was my turf, and you liked it that way. you can keep telling yourself "he is afraid to talk to me now" but when you get horny and you start approaching him, he is not going to hold back, i can promise you that. meanwhile, i will sing my defeat song, and just wait for the nail to be drivin into my coffin of the slightest chance that we will be together. in the meantime, im just going to have to put up a facade that says "i dont need you, so if you want me, come get me"

i still love you so much. maybe one day you will read this and understand how much i did

chris parker